Torn Between Mama and....

My husband.

Not really my husband but his discomfort having Mama around. He doesn't have personal grudges over Mama but she meddles with the way the kids are being disciplined and handled and some of her personal way of doing things bring discomfort to my husband.

But it's not that I do not have a choice.

I always wanted Mama around even it will annoy my husband. We just thought she might need to be with Kuya from time to time. And besides, she always asks for his presence every now and then. 

Yes she is annoying - very often lately.

But she is still Mama.

My mama. who always bought me tropical hamburger every time I had fever when I was still a kid. The one who always bought me new hair accessory every time she saw something in the market.

She is my Mama who unconditionally loves me until now.

she is untraceable of any pain right now.

probably because my brother is in the house.

whatever happiness she feels every time my brother is around, she cannot hide it from me. i wish i can do something for my brother for making mama happy.

but she doesn't look the same anymore.

i am starting to get scared.

i am not even half way of the plan i planned for her.

Papa Jesus, make me strong for her. 

When Not In Pain

When she is feeling okay, she would join me on Skype and would pose like this.

Hope she would be feeling like that everyday.

Always the playful and happy Mama.

Hope the pain just goes away.

Another Day Of Painful Event

I was on Skype with my mother tonight. She was on paid and so did I just by looking at her.

Most often I would brush her complain off, not that I do not care, but I slowly began to surrender her pain to  the Creator. Nothing that I can do much now.

With me miles away from her and technically penniless, I am totally useless.

Removing half the pain is what I am wishing I could do for her.

But all I can do right now is for Papa Jesus to take care of her and let her enjoy the remaining days of her life painlessly.

I was never a great daughter but I tried. We disagree on almost everything but I love her so much.

Hope you can help me pray for Mama.

Not-So-Happy Mother's Day For Mudra

Guess I was totally wrong. I blew it very untimely.

Been wanting to tell Mama if she could move to Kuya's house for the time being. You know, just to have a breath of fresh air. I have been hearing a lot of complaints from my husband lately and I just did not want him to get tired of her.

But she gotten all my words wrong. 

She cried and cried until I surrender - 3am in the morning we were still on Skype talking about what have gone wrong and that I was so sorry that I even uttered those words.

I love her and I know my husband loves me that we will all go through this together.

A Piece Of Heaven On Earth

Whenever I phoned her, it is always a piece of heaven on earth. I am always thankful that hearing her voice is real - I am not dreaming or reminiscing the past.

Yes, I am preparing myself but I don't want to entertain much of it at this time. I would still want to cherish whatever we have at the present.

As usual, as much as I would like to cut the costly call, I enjoyed the conversation. Mama is still jolly and in fact happy to hear from me. I just don't know why we argue - always about my brother and his kids. That I love my cousin's kids than his. Oh well, it is a different story.

Her medicines for pain is not doing much for her gout. She can hardly walk she says. With the irritation she was feeling, she turned off the tv. Jokingly I told her, "So you look like a mummy now?" because her foot was covered with chili plaster (please google this).

I still have to do some extensive research if her inability to walk now is connnected to the big "C". According to the rheumatologist, this is not ruled out as the cancer might have spread on her bones already. The bone density test is something I am still saving on. I wish she can have all the tests soon.

I hope the internet connection will be fixed soon so I could talk to her longer. I'd rather give the money for her medicines than pay for the expensive call but as expected, we were happy to just hear each other's voice.

Escaping From Misery

It has been more than three months that she has been informed of her true condition. At first it felt awkward why she was advised to undergo a radio-therapy session. Like a child being told what to do without being explained why, she has endless and pointless questions. Pointless because she could't ask me bluntly because she was clueless. So I cut her out and plainly told her, "Mama ang sakit mo kanser kaya kailangang mong mag radio-therapy." (Mama you have a cancer so that is why you needed to undergo a radio-therapy).

She looked away from me teary-eyed. I was trying to hold back the tears strongly. Being weak in front of her was the least thing I could do. The last time I cried in front of her was when I brought last Oct 2011 to East Avenue Medical Center because of vaginal bleeding again and dizziness. When she asked why I was crying, I told her I worried about the hospital bills then laugh as hard as I could. Unknown to her, I was worried it was the last time we would look into each other eyes.

Few days after, Mama visited her rheumatologist. True to her words, she really doesn't mind her "C" unless pain is taking toll on her that she think of it. Otherwise, she is more concerned about her gout and wishes she could normally walk again. But the doctor advised us to proceed to Jose Reyes Memorial Hospital so they can further assess her condition.

But then she had second thoughts. And going there was delayed.

Two weeks before this entry, my brother and that same doctor finally convinced her to go to JRMC. I think she was ready. 

But we're not - financially. Timing was not on our side that moment. 

Her blood pressure shoot up so she was transferred to the emergency room. It was there my brother left to find some money. She was left with a nephew and a bunch of patients with different cases. 

Since it is a government hospital, she was asked to leave her stretcher but offered no replacement for a seat or comfort for a 72 year old cancer patient. That plus the very costly food in the hospital, my mother led the way out of the hospital.

Now, we do not know yet how to proceed.

The Big "C" Revealed

It was 2010 when Mama was rushed to the hospital for furious vaginal bleeding. She underwent blood transfusion and was confined for several days in the facility.

I was working overseas then. The bad news was broken over the internet thru yahoo messenger and that tiny webcam.

After several laboratory exams and all, the doctor told my brother that Mama has stage III cervical cancer. Shocked is an understatement. All along I thought it was Myoma as the doctors had been telling her during the last few visits. I want to blame every one in that facility where she has been consulting almost all her life. 

How come it was on Stage III already?! But blaming is useless.

Since then, the battle began.